Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
