you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
