My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
