I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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