There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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