turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
