you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
