i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
