I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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