my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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