Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
