beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
