Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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