Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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