Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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