My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
