Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
