I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
