my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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