somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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