birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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