Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
