There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
foreskin is a definite game changer
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
