If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I don't deserve a penis
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
