at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
