Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
