ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Enjoy the penises
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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