I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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