if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
