just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
