Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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