I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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