Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
