I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
