I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
