Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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