No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
