Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
