Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
