I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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