I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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