I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
