we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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