I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
