I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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