Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
