I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
