..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
