Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
