I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
