even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
