I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
