Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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