Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
