Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
