just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
